How to Parent Like a Dane

2 minute read

Want to learn how to parent like two-time winner Happiest Place on Earth, Denmark? I had the privilege of living as an American expat for two years in Aarhus, Denmark with my family, where they do things quite differently. Here’s what I learned:

Separation Anxiety Means a Whole Different Thing

When I moved to Denmark, I declined the full time Vuggestue (daycare) for my toddler son that came with the relocation package, because I didn’t work outside the home. This baffled my relocation agent, who insisted I would be happier left by myself to run errands. I insisted back that I could do that and look after my son at the same time.

She didn’t back down. “In an emergency on an airplane, the flight crew instructs mothers to place the oxygen masks over their faces first. It’s only after the mother can breathe that she assists the children,” she said—or words to that effect. “Do you know why? Because if the mother doesn’t get a chance to breathe, the children cannot breathe, either.”

No parent has the time to read nonsense. Get a weekly roundup of just the good stuff here.

The thought of having “help” to raise my child was so foreign to me, that with some effort I found I a day care center that offered a morning-only program. The half-day schedule allowed me to ease into a culture that not only doesn’t judge you for putting your kid in daycare, it actually pressures moms to do it. And the government funds it for all families. I came to love quiet mornings to myself and watching my child blossom with his Danish peers. But this was the toughest lesson I learned in Scandinavia: I must breathe so that my child can breathe, too.

Life Before Equal Pay Day: Portrait of a Working Mother in the 1950s

Jennie Magrill with her family in the background.
Jennie Magill with her family in the background.Grey Villet—The LIFE Picture Collection/Getty Images
Working mother Jennie Magill shopping with her children at the super market.
Working mother Jennie Magill shopping with her children at the super market.Grey Villet—The LIFE Picture Collection/Getty Images
Jennie and Jim Magill in the kitchen.
Jennie and Jim Magill in the kitchen.Grey Villet—The LIFE Picture Collection/Getty Images
Jennie Magill and family in the kitchen.
Jennie Magill and family in the kitchen.Grey Villet—The LIFE Picture Collection/Getty Images
Wifely kiss is Jim's reward for helping with the dishes.
Caption from LIFE. Wifely kiss is Jim's reward for helping with the dishes.Grey Villet—The LIFE Picture Collection/Getty Images
Jennie Magill at work.
Jennie Magill at work.Grey Villet—The LIFE Picture Collection/Getty Images
Companionable lunch with the girls from store is lots better, says Jennie, than a sandwich in solitude at home. "Through Jennie's friends at work," says Jim, "I've met a lot of people I wouldn't have met otherwise."
Caption from LIFE. Companionable lunch with the girls from store is lots better, says Jennie, than a sandwich in solitude at home. "Through Jennie's friends at work," says Jim, "I've met a lot of people I wouldn't have met otherwise."Grey Villet—The LIFE Picture Collection/Getty Images
Her work is a source of pride to Jim. "She' has done a terrific job. And when i tell her about my work she doesn't brush it off."
Caption from LIFE. Her work is a source of pride to Jim. "She' has done a terrific job. And when I tell her about my work she doesn't brush it off."Grey Villet—The LIFE Picture Collection/Getty Images
Going home, Jim always picks Jennie up at Carson Pirie Scott branch. The ride home is a chance to talk without domestic distractions.
Caption from LIFE. Going home, Jim always picks Jennie up at Carson Pirie Scott branch. The ride home is a chance to talk without domestic distractions.Grey Villet—The LIFE Picture Collection/Getty Images
Jennie and Jim Magill coming home from work.
Jennie and Jim Magill coming home from work.Grey Villet—The LIFE Picture Collection/Getty Images
Taking over the family reins when she gets home, Jennie holds Jackie, 2, who tests cake which he "helped" housekeeper Sophia Flewelling (left) to bake. Sophie runs household smoothly while parents are gone.
Caption from LIFE. Taking over the family reins when she gets home, Jennie holds Jackie, 2, who tests cake which he "helped" housekeeper Sophia Flewelling (left) to bake. Sophie runs household smoothly while parents are gone.Grey Villet—The LIFE Picture Collection/Getty Images
Jennie Magill and family.
Jennie Magill and family.Grey Villet—The LIFE Picture Collection/Getty Images
Jennie Magill ironing with her daughter.
Jennie Magill ironing with her daughter.Grey Villet—The LIFE Picture Collection/Getty Images
Jennie Magill with her children.
Jennie Magill with her children.Grey Villet—The LIFE Picture Collection/Getty Images
Jennie Magill comforting her crying daughter.
Jennie Magill comforting her crying daughter.Grey Villet—The LIFE Picture Collection/Getty Images
Jennie Magill with her children.
Jennie Magill with her children.Grey Villet—The LIFE Picture Collection/Getty Images
Jennie Magill reading a story to her children.
Jennie Magill reading a story to her children.Grey Villet—The LIFE Picture Collection/Getty Images
Bill-paying is disagreeable, but it reminds them of how well they live because Jennie works. "It's nice not to have that lost feeling," says Jim. "Now when we see a piece of furniture we want, we buy it."
Caption from LIFE. Bill-paying is disagreeable, but it reminds them of how well they live because Jennie works. "It's nice not to have that lost feeling," says Jim. "Now when we see a piece of furniture we want, we buy it."Grey Villet—The LIFE Picture Collection/Getty Images
Jennie Magill kisses her children goodbye.
Jennie Magill kisses her children goodbye.Grey Villet—The LIFE Picture Collection/Getty Images

Forget Baby Proofing

There’s no such thing as “baby-proofing” in Denmark. In America baby-proofing is an industry built on the fear that kids will be in danger. But in Denmark, kids are encouraged to be independent and adventurous. Every day they do things that would send most American moms running after their children yelling. Every year on Sankt Hans Aften (St. John’s Eve), the celebration of the summer solstice, families, including kids of all ages, gather together to sing traditional songs and burn a straw witch on a huge bonfire. The particular celebration my family and I attended was in a field, next to a forest. As the massive bonfire was lit, I realized there were no safety precautions: no fire trucks, extinguishers or buckets of water. There were also no ropes or cones blocking off the fire. Kids could (and did) run around the fire as close to the flames as they dared.

You can also find fire pits on the playground of most Danish schools. On a regular basis the teachers would light a huge bonfire on the playground so the kids could roast bread on sticks. And inside my son’s classroom, there were lit candles in the window sills. When I pointed out that the children could reach the candles, the teachers were nonplussed: “Why would they touch fire? That would cause a burn.” The Danish people are fearless. And proud of it. They expose their kids to danger early.

Keep Lunch Lackluster

In America we believe in choice. In Denmark, too much choice is seen as confusing or unnecessary. Take lunch, for example. Not only did I pack the same lunch for my kids every day, but every kid had the same lunch. My kids could have swapped lunches with any kid at school and still had “Leverpostej og Rugbrød” (the Dane’s favorite liver spread on Rye bread), carrots and apples. Not perfectly shaped, bright orange, individually bagged baby carrots, but misshapen things recently pulled from the ground, unpeeled, with greens still attached. (Also delicious.) And the apples were similar—bruised, misshapen, brown, unpeeled and whole. There was no worry about the food being “kid-friendly.” The kids devoured them.

Get Hygge With It

In America we feel that leaving work at 5:00 pm is “sneaking out.” Not in Denmark. At 4:00pm on the dot, the offices clear out. It’s like the opening song of the Flintstones. Everybody leaves to pick up kids and head home for dinner, which is cooked with the family. The Danes have a word with no direct translation in the English language—Hygge. It means creating a warm atmosphere and enjoying the good things in life with good people. The warm glow of candlelight is hygge. Friends and family are hygge. There’s nothing more hygge than sitting round a table, discussing the big and small things in life. The Danish families create this coziness with mealtime almost every night. But it doesn’t just happen; they prioritize it. In the U.S., just hanging out together can feel like time wasted. In Denmark, it was the best time of the day.

LIFE With Rock Stars . . . and Their Parents

LIFE With Rock Stars and Their Parents
Frank Zappa in his Los Angeles home with his dad, Francis, his mom, Rosemarie, and his cat in 1970.John Olson—Time & Life Pictures/Getty Images
LIFE With Rock Stars and Their Parents
Not published in LIFE. Frank Zappa in his eclectic Los Angeles home with his cat, his dad, Francis and his mom, Rosemarie, in 1970.John Olson—Time & Life Pictures/Getty Images
LIFE With Rock Stars and Their Parents
The Jefferson Airplane’s Grace Slick poses with her mother, Virginia Wing, in the living room of the home where she grew up in Palo Alto, California in 1970. "We raced out there because she was nine months pregnant," remembers Olson. "And the rest of the story took so long to complete, her daughter was a year old when it finally ran."John Olson—Time & Life Pictures/Getty Images
LIFE With Rock Stars and Their Parents
In one of the photos that ultimately ran in LIFE (Olson went back to Palo Alto for a re-shoot), new mom Grace dangles her daughter China by the feet in 1971.John Olson—Time & Life Pictures/Getty Images
LIFE With Rock Stars and Their Parents
In 1970 Rose Clapp shows off her tea service and Eric Clapton, her rock-god guitarist grandson, Surrey, England.John Olson—Time & Life Pictures/Getty Images
LIFE With Rock Stars and Their Parents
Not published in LIFE. The former Reggie Dwight, later known as Elton John, laughs with his mom Sheila Fairebrother and her husband Fred (whom he affectionately called "Derf," Fred spelled backwards) in their suburban London apartment in 1970.John Olson—Time & Life Pictures/Getty Images
LIFE With Rock Stars and Their Parents
David Crosby with his father, 1970.John Olson—Time & Life Pictures/Getty Images
LIFE With Rock Stars and Their Parents
Ginger Baker and his mum, 1970.John Olson—Time & Life Pictures/Getty Images
LIFE With Rock Stars and Their Parents
Not published in LIFE. Ginger Baker, the Cream and Blind Faith drummer, flashes a rare smile with his mother Ruby Streatfield inside her rowhouse in Bexley, outside London, in 1970.John Olson—Time & Life Pictures/Getty Images
LIFE With Rock Stars and Their Parents
Joe Cocker with his mother, 1970.John Olson—Time & Life Pictures/Getty Images
LIFE With Rock Stars and Their Parents
Grace steps outside with her mom and little China in 1971. "Things change so fast, you can't use 1971 ethics on someone born in 1971," Slick said of her daughter. "Whatever she does is going to look far-out to me. I hope I'll either like it or keep my mouth shut."John Olson—Time & Life Pictures/Getty Images
LIFE With Rock Stars and Their Parents
LIFE photographer John Olson sets up to shoot the Jackson 5 in their backyard in 1970.John Olson—Time & Life Pictures/Getty Images
LIFE With Rock Stars and Their Parents
Richie Havens with his parents, Brooklyn in 1970. The musician who opened the show at Woodstock grew up with his folks, Richard and Mildred, in Bedford-Stuyvesant, Brooklyn, but he bought them this home in nearby East Flatbush when his music career took off. The Havenses had nine kids and, as Mrs. Havens told LIFE, "Richie is the only one who's really moved away. I can't get rid of most of them."John Olson—Time & Life Pictures/Getty Images
The Jackson 5 pose with their parents in Encino, Calif., in 1970.
The Jackson 5 pose with their parents in Encino, Calif., in 1970.John Olson—Time & Life Pictures/Getty Images
LIFE With Rock Stars and Their Parents
With their parents standing by, 13-year-old dynamo Michael (front left) and his brothers Jackie, Marlon, Tito and Jermaine straddle their motorbikes by the pool, 1970.John Olson—Time & Life Pictures/Getty Images
LIFE With Rock Stars and Their Parents
Not published in LIFE. Scottish folk musician Donovan and his parents, Donald and Winifred Leitch, England in 1970.John Olson—Time & Life Pictures/Getty Images

More Must-Reads from TIME

Contact us at letters@time.com